Trailer Trashing: The Lone Ranger

I'm going to be honest: I'm not all that up on my Lone Ranger mythos. I know that he's kind of a superhero, sort of a Batman or Green Hornet (the Adam West era versions) of the wild west, I know his horse is named silver, and I know that there is a good chance that this movie will become Johnny Depp is a Native American: the movie.

Man, just look at me be eccentric.

Now I don't know a lot about the Lone Ranger, but I know a lot about what happens when Johnny Depp is given a role that is supposed to be a supporting one: it becomes the Johnny Depp Show. Remember the newest Alice in Wonderland and how that movie is, shockingly enough, supposed to be a bout the titular “Alice”? Yeah, I defy you to tell me that movie wasn't way to much about Depp's Mad Hatter. I mean, seriously, the dance he does at the end? Why? What was the point outside of having him to something quirky? Same goes for his Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That movie was not about Charlie, it was about Willy, and I think the movie was weaker for it.

Note who is in the center here, aka NOT ALICE

That's not an attack against Johnny Depp. I'm sure he's a great guy, and for the charmingly eccentric niche that he fills, he's probably the best that there is. This is kind of an attack on the marketing and editing departments of the projects that he's attached. I'm sure everyone in the production was given memos about making sure they got everything out of Depp that was humanly possible so they could go to town with the marketing later.

Which brings me back to The Lone Ranger. As someone who is not really steeped in the story of the character, my primary fear is that this movie is not going to be about the Lone Ranger, but about Tonto, or rather, it's going to try to be about the Lone Ranger, but all the good lines/scenes and memorable moments are going to be given to Tonto to remind us all “hey, there's Johnny Depp.”

Breaking away from Depp, my next biggest issue going from the trailer is the lack of practical effects. Like I say when the train piece flies off, it comes off as gimmicky. Essentially everything that's over the top, with the train scene bearing special mention, is quite obviously CGI, and it kind of pulls me out of it. I had the same reaction to the Goblin King in “The Hobbit” (see GotRT podcast #3).

Looking at some of the marketing for the game, a predominant thing that comes up is the Lego Lone Ranger line, with a few 3D models that bear a resemblance to the Lego video game franchises. If they're already considering a game, it concerns me on the one hand that this may just be a reboot they made just in the hopes of a cash cow (though really, is there any other kind?) but on the other, maybe if they're going this deep into marketing and products, then they've put a lot into the movie as well.

Hi-Ho...plastic? Away?

So sign me on as pessimistic, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to being wrong. 

 

Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart

People, I need you to sit down for this one. I don't know why you'd be standing up while reading this, but seriously, sit down. I am about to say something so shocking, so unheard of, so unspeakable that I feel slightly sickened with myself for doing it.

Are you ready?

Dark Shadows is....NOT a better love story than Twilight.

I know, I know. Sorry, I had to brush my teeth after letting that come out of my mouth. But I had to say it. This movie is terrible, and the worst part, the absolute, bottom of the barrel worst part in it is the "love story" between Johnny Depp's Barnabas Collins and Victoria. Why?

Say what you will about how vapid the love story in Twilight is. I certainly said it in my rant on the subject (look through the archives for the video) but you know what? As stupid as it was, it at least existed. At least we saw Edward and Bella together, DOING things. Here, you see Victoria near the end of the movie and you're just like, "who is that? Oh yeah, that girl we've seen for a total of about seven minutes of screen time. More like two minutes if you're talking about her with Depp's character.

Sure, Bartholomew talks about loving her once or twice, and asks people how to woo a woman in this new day and age (for those of you who don't know, Barnabas was locked in a coffin for 200 years and was let out in 1972), but we never see him try any methods of getting her attention. He just says he loves her near the end and she just kind of says "Sweet, I love you too."

 In fact, the whole movie's problem is that they just talk about things. We hear about how the young Collins son is considered to be deranged after the death of his mother, but we never see any evidence of it. He dresses as a ghost to try to scare people? He plays with dinosaur toys? Man, this kid must be a real wacko for an eight year old.

 

The second message of the story is told to you so blatantly that they may as well put up a large neon sign with it: Family is the only real treasure. Again though, we never see any of it. Barnabas likes to talk about how important family is, but we don't really see him interacting with the modern-day Collins family. There's one scene where he tells the young boy's womanizing sleazebag father to shape up or get out of his son's life. So, naturally in the theme of the movie he realizes his mistakes and learns to put family fir-OH WAIT no he just takes a bunch of money and ditches the kid. Real nice.

Huh...may have busted out the spongebob pic too early.

There also this "HUGE" plot twist in the end about how each family member is supernaturally cursed, the daughter is a werewolf, the son communicates with vengeful spirits of the dead, but who cares? There's nothing leading up to the daughter's condition, so we're just left going "...huh. So I guess that's a thing".

Heck, the movie isn't even about the family. It's about Depp's character and the witch who turned him into a vampire because he wouldn't love her. There's this whole dilemma of Barnabas hating her, but he can't resist sleeping with her (or, rather, jumping around the room with all their clothes clearly still on). But even THAT is underdeveloped because it takes time out to try to cram in all the other underdeveloped, for lack of a better phrase, "plot points."

Visually, sure, Depp makes a decent vampire. Sure, the castle is cool looking. It's not enough to save this however. I wouldn't tell you to go watch Twilight instead (unless you have the rifftrax or something), but save your money and rent almost any OTHER vampire movie.


p.s. How did the Collins family survive? We see Bartholomew's parents get killed, and we never see any brothers or sisters. We aren't told he had kids in the 1700's so what the hell?