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Trailer Trashing: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters describes itself as a “dark twist on the fairy tale which...”
And I can just stop right there. There is really no reason to keep going. We have all seen the “dark twist on a fairy tale” a million times, we've seen monsters hunters done to absolute death these days, and I guarantee at least half the people who saw this trailer thought “Constantine meets Brothers Grimm.”

I liked Constantine. I...didn't hate Brothers Grimm. I guess. It was just kind of bland and ill-paced, but it had some strengths. This? I don't even know what to make of this.

First of all, where on earth does this take place? Hansel and Gretel clearly sound American, the old guys she headbutts for some reason starts off sounding German, but by the end of his sentence sounds Scottish, the teenager sounds like he's from Iowa, but the whole thing looks like an old time German village.

I also have no idea when this is supposed to take place. There are straw-thatched roofs but also machine guns? Firearms are present, but they still use crossbows?

And then we have the witches. Oh God, these witches. I said in the video that I missed the time when we didn't just lump all mythological creatures into one, gray skinned, super strong entity that had to be killed via decapitation. Witches aren't really strong like the one they're fighting early on. They can't splinter trees or tackle Hawkeye thirty feet back. Also, if witches are so terrifyingly deadly, how do Hansel and Gretel kill one as children, ostensibly just by whacking it with a stick?

But none of that matters, because apparently “we aren't hunting witches.”Okay? Why not? Why set up this elaborate scenario where the primary job skill of your protagonists is killing witches, show us that witches are apparently a big problem, and then throw in this twist that “ermegerd, it's not witches anymore!” It never WAS witches to us. The idea of there just being witches is new to the audience. If it was a sequel to a Hansel and Gretel movie, where they fought witches in the first movie, then it would have some merit, but here, it's just unneeded drama on top of an already confusing premise.

All in all, this trailer is just a mess. The vast majority of it is just posing, and one liners, and explosions. Yes, I know that's the general action movie advertisement, but when they just say “you've gotta be kidding me” with no context, I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about it.

I don't think there are going to be any surprises with this one. I'm calling another forgettable shoot 'em up here.